Posts Tagged ‘Random thoughts from my brain’
My “To Do” List
Posted on: June 1, 2009
- In: Life
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I’ve decided to take a break from blogging between now and when the baby comes. My Truthful Thursdays will still post as normally scheduled, but this will be “my” last post for a couple of weeks.
I was talking to a friend this morning about “To Do” lists. We’re one and the same at wanting and liking lists. Completing a list makes me feel accomplished, worthy and proud. It allows me to be focused and goal oriented. But I’ve come to realize that my lists aren’t always in the right order. Many, many times the ordering is completely backwards.
If you remember, I posted about a woman named Rachel Barkley who is dying from cancer. She is a wife and mother to two children. Her testimony of following after God in these last few months/weeks/days is heroic. Here is her latest update:
I’m a big list person. I love lists. Making them. Crossing things off when I’m finished them. I have a daybook that sits by my telephone that holds my To Do list for each day and one of my greatest pleasures is looking back at the end of the day and seeing all my little check boxes filled in. Sigh…happiness. I’m so easily amused. Crazy, I know. But there it is. It’s who I am.
But my To Do list has taken a back seat of late. It’s been four months since Neil and I sat stunned on that hospital bed after receiving the news we didn’t want to hear. Four months since the whirlwind of waiting to die began. And – surprise, surprise – the waiting is not easy for me.
Lying in bed waiting for my next dose of medications (14 different ones, in case you’re interested). Or waiting for Neil to come home from some activity with the kids. Or waiting for the day to end so I can fall asleep and maybe forget for awhile. Not easy. I’m a doer. I like to do things. Hence the To Do list obsession.
It seems that all I do is wait and write silly things like “Shower” on my To Do list. But today, “Send Update” made it on to my To Do list not because there is much to tell but mostly so I could actually do something. So by way of update, here we go:
First off, I look pregnant. My liver has swollen so much that I am perilously close to switching teams from the In-nies to the Out-ties. I’ve had to become creative with my wardrobe as I’m sure that one of these days some well meaning person is going to ask me when I’m due. Seriously. Fashion issues on top of terminal cancer?!? There must be a limit to what one girl is expected to endure… 
And, after a few weeks of feeling like I’d plateaud a bit (i.e. a few less bad days, a few more predictable days), I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner again. I’ve been struggling with dizziness, difficulty breathing and more pain in my head. It also seems to be affecting my eyesight now too as I often have trouble focusing. I have had to up my pain meds significantly to deal with the pain in my shoulders, sternum and abdomen. The meds I’m on have been very effective but it does feel like things are continuing to progress. “Does it feel like you’re dying?,” some have asked. The answer is yes.
And I am finding that my greatest challenge and what occupies my thoughts most these days is how to finish well. All the little things that I battle daily seem to loom larger in the waiting of each day and moment as my impatience and selfish tendencies rush to the forefront of every thought and activity.
So my challenge is to finish well. And it seems I am to do this by waiting. Appropriately, I found this verse in Lamentations:
“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
Waiting. Quietly. It is a good thing apparently.
I have added it to my To Do list…
with love,
rb
I am not a girlie-girl
Posted on: May 29, 2009
- In: Life
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Let me state that again, I am NOT a girlie-girl. By nature I have never been a dress-wearing, make-up doing, hair-fixing, bug-screaming girl. I feel most myself in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, sportin’ some dirt and ready to jump in a creek to look for crawdaddies. I was most likely, every cheerleaders worst nightmare. From as early as I can remember, I hated taking showers, wearing anything I found to be confining (aka, dresses, skirts, anything white or pink) or being girlie in any way. Then, growing up with four brothers, a mom who isn’t very girlie-girl just intensified my lack of girlieness.
Somewhere in high school I started paying more attention to my appearance. I found myself *shock!* looking at dresses and “cute” shoes willingly. I remember buying my first dress (one that I had personally picked out). I felt grown up. And the funniest thing is, I could count on one hand how many times I actually wore it. By the time I got to college I had “arrived”. I started wearing more feminine outfits, mostly because I worked at Ann Taylor. I started actively doing my hair daily, wearing make up and shopping for jewelry. I found myself surrounded by girls who loved being feminine and girlie. Slowly I began transforming into a pink wearing, necklace owning, perfume loving girl.
Then I had a baby. And for months I’m pretty certain I never did my hair, wore make up or even changed out of sweatpants. I most definitely didn’t shower daily (TMI). Then as the post-baby haze lifted I went back to doing my hair, putting on make up and showering (almost) daily. During all this time I realized that I had a daughter. Which meant (and means) that she will imitate me, desire to be like me (in some form or fashion). So, in an effort to give her a fighting chance of being a girlie-girl I shower her with pink, dolls and dresses. In recent months I’ve even started “doing” her hair.
Want to know what I’ve discovered? It’s tough being a non-natural girlie-girl trying to help your daughter be a girlie-girl. I hate “doing” her hair – it’s time consuming and results in very little reward (as it takes me half and hour to pull back and 2 seconds for her to rip out). I really hate putting her in a dress – it seems so confining; she can’t actively climb or slide or crawl around being crazy. I really, really hate remembering to put her shoes on her before we leave the house. That last one is in part to the fact that I really, really hate wearing shoes. But, alas, I do all these (in my mind) girlie-girl things, because somewhere deep down inside me, I kinda wish I had had the chance to embrace that side of myself as a kid. Not in some I-like-wearing-lacey-dresses-and-bows sorta way, but in a I-like-wearing-a-cute-dress-so-long-as-I-have-shorts-on-underneath sorta way. And I do plan to open up dance, ballet and even *gasp!* cheerleading to Julia if she wants.
However, I draw a fine line at screaming at bugs. If she learns to do that, she most definitely won’t be getting it from me.
Let it rain
Posted on: May 16, 2009
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It’s been raining here a lot this last week. I don’t really mind as I love the rain and it helps me keep the garden well watered. Plus, as some of you might remember I got some rainboots for my birthday, which actually makes running 9 months pregnant while carrying Julia kinda fun.
However, not only has it been raining outside, it’s been raining inside too. No leaky roofs or holes, but me – crying. Lots.
Let me preface the rest of this post by saying – I adore being pregnant. I really, really do. With all the sickness, aches and pains, I see past it all and simply love being pregnant. I’m very grateful that God has blessed me with Julia and now this child.
But, I’m not a big fan of the emotions that come with pregnancy. My personality is such that I really like being in control, especially of my emotions. No need to cry over something or show too much pain, especially in front of other people. I don’t mind expressing my feelings, oh no, just ask Jonathan. He told me just this week that I’m more in touch with my feelings than most people. I usually know what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it and what should be done about it. But in all that, I want to really harness how my emotions/feelings are expressed. I suppose ultimately it comes down to pride, control and vanity.
Alas, I’ve hit that stage in my pregnancy where emotional control seems to have flown the coop. Yesterday I sat in the van and cried sobbed for a good minute two minutes five minutes because I spilled coffee all over the Father’s Day cards I had just purchased. Take note – none of the cards were ruined, just the envelopes (which are easily replaceable). To make matters worse, I was waiting at Jonathan’s work in the parking lot when this “saga” happened, making me crying even harder because I felt like a complete fool as his co-workers are leaving, perhaps even catching sight of my weepy eyes.
I think the worse part is that I’ve no real reason to be crying. Things are going well, Dubya Dos is doing great (per our midwife yesterday), Julia isn’t overly toddler-like (and even slept in yesterday till 6:45!) and our remodeling of the downstairs is nearly complete. Yet, if I hear/read/watch/think of something sad the water works start falling. And the entire time I keep thinking how silly I am for crying, which makes me cry even more. Oy vei!
So, for all you Iowan friends, if you catch me crying, don’t worry, nothing is wrong. Perhaps I saw a sappy commercial or a leaf somewhere in China fell off a tree. Or maybe even I just thought crying sounded nice (which last week it did, which produced a few minutes of peaceful crying while Julia napped). Hopefully, after the fourth trimester is over I should return to “normal”.
TMI, or For Girls Only – Seriously
Posted on: May 4, 2009
- In: Life
- 13 Comments
Seriously, if you’re a guy stop reading now. Really. Just close your laptop and walk away. No joke. If you keep reading you will forever be scarred.
Guys, I warned you.
Alright, is it just the ladies now?
Have you ever considered cloth pads? I’ve done quite a bit of research on them over the last 9 months and have decided to give them a try. They can get rather expensive, so I’m having some made. It seems kinda gross (Jonathan won’t touch this subject with a 10 foot pole), but I figured if I’ve got two kids in cloth, why not just add a third? Plus, from the research I’ve done they say that these things hold up for years. One blogger said that between her cloth and Diva Cup, she hadn’t used store bought products in ten years! How cool is that?! Last summer before getting pregnant, I used the Diva Cup for about 3 months. I loved it. Completely and totally amazing. I think what is so appealing to me is that 1) you don’t have to change it all the time, 2) I can leave my house without worrying about one more thing to have on hand, 3) it never leaks and 4) it’s so much more comfortable than a tampon. However, I can’t use it post-Dubya Dos which is where the pads come in.
So far I’ve found GladRags, Party in my Pants (they are sold individually at New Pi), and Lunapads to be the most recommended. However, just for a small postpartum kit the pads would run me close to $100. Which, if they last 10 years, is only $10 a year on pads. Not too bad at all, but outside of right after delivery, I never wear pads (maybe a liner for added protection), which means that these wouldn’t be used all that often. I’ve checked out some on eBay, but with shipping you don’t really save all that much, especially since you buy individually rather than in a kit.
Ladies, have you ever looked into cloth pads? If so, what are your thoughts? Do you use them? Would you ever use them?
***EDIT***
I did start using cloth pads after Hannah was born (June 2009). If you want to read about how that’s gone, check out TMI – the update.
- In: Life
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We are inching our way closer and closer to being diaper free. More and more often Julia is alerting me when she needs to go (more so for pooping than peeing) and she has a pretty good record to telling me after she’s peed. She’s correlating everything: dry, wet, potty, urges, etc. It’s all very exciting, but honestly I have some concerns that she’ll regress when Dubya Dos arrives. I suppose I can’t really worry about it too much for now. Just keep up with the praise and training and pray for the best!
Julia is sleeping overnight in her new toddler bed. We’re still having her sleep in the crib during naps, because we had a few instances of her getting up after only 20 minutes and frankly she and I both need more rest than that! Yet at night she does really well. We’ve hit a snag in sleeping in since we got back from Texas. Despite the fact that there is NO time change between us and Texas, Julia has stopped sleeping in. Total bummer. I really enjoyed the 6:30-7 wake up call. Not loving the 5:30 wake up call. At the advice of some girlfriends and websites, we’re going to get a large alarm clock for Julia to use. The idea is to teach her the number 6, black out the last two digits and train her to stay in bed until she sees the right number. I read one mom actually set the clock slow, so that her child didn’t wake up until after 6, but they thought it was 6. Whoa, if that would work… sweet! Kinda funny that we’re all up in a teasy trying to get Julia to sleep in, just to start loosing sleep again come June.
I went to Wal-Mart today for the first time in nearly a month. Grr. I am so glad I’ve started shopping elsewhere. I mean Wal-Mart has so cheap prices, but I’m finding it so not worth the extra effort/time/stress to go there. However, if Jack wants food and the rest of us want toilet paper, Wal-Mart is gotta stay on the shopping route.
The swine flu is coming, the swine flu is coming! Perhaps I’m too sheltered/idealist but really, I’m not sure it’s all that necessary to start freaking out about this virus. Already they are talking on NPR about the possibility of swine flu turning into a epidemic. Sounds oddly similar to the avian flu scare a couple of years back. Yet, I do find it humorous that they are saying travel to Texas should be limited, due to a breakout (of 2 students) in the San Antonio area. Oops.
I could never
Posted on: March 28, 2009
- In: Life
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I heard this program earlier this week on NPR that was talking about frugality in our changing economic times. Anywho, they had a journalist from Chicago who has posed the question “What could/would you never sell, no matter what?” to her newspaper readers.
It got me thinking. What would I never part with?
This is a hard question for me. Mostly because I think I realize that as much sentimental value an item has, it won’t ever last. And truth be told, I own nothing that I wouldn’t sell if it meant feeding/sheltering/caring for my family. Geez, push come to shove, and I’d probably be willing to give ya an organ.
However, if asked what would be the hardest thing(s) to part with I think I’d have to say:
– my wedding/engagement bands
– my super old, super ratty childhood stuffed animal, Buttcat (yes, his name really is Buttcat and I’m pretty certain this would be Jonathan’s number one choice of the first items we’d sell if he thought for a second anyone would actually pay us for it)
What about you? Are there certain items you own that you could never part with, or would have a super hard time giving up?
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Since Julia was born, I’ve been getting more and more anxious about her fully grasping her “heritage”. We’re mastering the Hispanic side (thanks to Grandma), but I’ve found that the tried and true Southerner side will mostly likely only come from me. Not good.
See, I spent a majority of my high school and college years running away from my roots. Honestly, there never seemed to be much use in holding on to them, until I moved to Iowa and had a baby. Now, I want desperately for Julia, Dubya Dos and any other Windham babies to just “get” it. I know of some things that will come naturally for me to pass on: saying ma’am and sir; calling coke, coke, none of this pop stuff; enjoying a good glass of tea; knowing how to make a mean batch of fried chicken; and understanding where the Mason-Dixon line clearly cuts off.
I googled different “Southern” phrases for a laugh. Although, I am thoroughly convinced these are used everywhere, not just in the South. Let me know if you’ve actually heard and used them, as I know for sure I have:
Like a chicken with your head cut off
Snowball’s chance in h*ll
Argue with a fence post
Rode hard and put up wet
Short end of the stick
Ruffled her feathers (I actually say this way more than I realized!)
Chewin’ the fat
I declare (said like “Well, I declare!”, when something is shocking or a surprise)
Bump on a log
Bitten’ off more than you can chew
Barking up the wrong tree
Like water off a ducks back
And here are some of my favorite stereotypes:
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines … And when we’re in line, we talk to everybody!
In the South, y’all is singular …. All y’all is plural.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’.
But, truth be told, there are a few things about the South that I will gladly leave behind and never, ever teach my children. And that’s the great thing about being a Southerner in Iowa. I get to pick and choose what Julia and Dubya Dos learns about all things Southern.
*When I was in college, a guy I knew used this as a pick-up line on me. He wasn’t actually meaning it (or if he was I never knew!), but he said it every time he saw me.
Singing in the rain!
Posted on: March 8, 2009
- In: Life
- 6 Comments
First things first: Happy birthday, Leah!
Ok, now on to my post…
I really like rain. It does get old when it constantly rains, but for the most part, I just plain enjoy it. Nothing like playing in the rain makes you feel quite like a little kid. However, I’m not a big fan of wet jeans. You know, where your hem gets all wet and nasty from running car-to-store-to-car-to-house-to-car-to-library, etc, etc. Other than wearing only flip flops with my jeans rolled up, have I ever solved my dilemma. But, not this year.
This year for my birthday, Jonathan is buying me a pair of rainboots! About now is where you can imagine me giving a gleeful cheer.
Rainboots, for all vanity’s sake, aren’t what I’d consider attractive. However, I think they are uber cool and very functional. Given that we have a mud pit in our backyard (that will soon enough be a garden), it’d be nice to have shoes to wear that can resist rain and mud without getting ruined. And not to mention that it’s easier to dash from my car to the store with Julia in my arms when I’m not worried about getting soaked or slipping in my beloved flip flops.
But, as always, I’ve too many choices. So, will you be so kind as to help me pick out my new boots?
Here are some things to keep in mind:
1. I will be wearing them with many, many different outfits (jeans, shorts, skirts, etc) that will range in color.
2. I will be wearing them in mud.
3. I like unique, but not weird. There is a fine line, in my opinion. Liz Lemon, unique. Angela from the Office, weird.
4. They should be well priced. Meaning, I’ve seen some way cool ones, but they are a tad expensive.
Here are a few that I’m digging:
Plain jane with a little flair.
Any favorites? Any suggestions?
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Don’t shoot – but I really like cleaning. I find something rather therapeutic in the act, and really, really love the results. However, I’ve come to realize there is one chore that I dread above all others….
Making the bed.
Shocking I know. Probably would have guessed cleaning the bathroom, or doing dishes, or something that seems rather “dirty”, but no, just making the bed. It’s something that has to be done daily (in my book at least) and it seems to be the one thing I’d rather forgo doing alone, as it takes a lot of time. I can think of only two reasons for my growing displeasure of bed making; 1) we upgraded to a king size in September, thus making the chore “larger” and 2) we still have all our winter blankets on the bed, thus making the amount of covers made seem to never end. Perhaps once real spring roles around and we put away some of the covers things will be a little simpler.
So, what is your least favorite chore? The one thing that stares you in the face that you want to ignore but can’t?
Lent and accountability
Posted on: February 27, 2009
- In: Life
- 3 Comments
I’ve never practiced Lent. In fact, I’m not even sure “practice” is the right term. Having grown up in the South, the only people I ever knew who observed Lent were Catholics. And I shamefully admit, I didn’t meet a Catholic till I was 15. I was surrounded only by Southern Baptist, Assembly of God, Latter Day Saints and a very few Methodists – all of whom, to my knowledge, never observed Lent.
However, since moving to Iowa I’ve heard more and more about Lent. Part of me is intrigued, seeing it as a way to honor God. Another part of me wonders why we need a set time to fast, pray and draw closer to our Lord.
In 2006, I gave up chocolate for an entire year. I allowed myself 5 days during that time to “enjoy” something chocolatey (all the dates were pre-set). I did it for two reasons; 1) I wanted to prove that I could and 2) I knew it was a stronghold in my life – something that I allowed to rule over me. The following year I started eating chocolate again, because I knew that we’d be trying to get pregnant and the last thing I wanted to deprive myself of was chocolate.
But, I think I need to give it up for this pregnancy. I’ve caught myself numerous times overindulging and blaming it on being pregnant, when really it’s a lack of self-control.
Yesterday was my first “no chocolate” day. I did great, I had no chocolate. But I treated myself to an overabundance of cheese cake bars (graciously given to us by Travis and Shari). Hmm… not good (the overeating, not the bars – the bars were amazing…). So last night I decided that for the rest of my pregnancy (YIKES!) I will give up sweets. There are some predefined rules:
1. I am allowed sweets (in any form) on my birthday in March.
2. I am allowed all natural sweets (honey, agave, etc) so long as they are not in traditional “sweeties” form (i.e. cakes, cookies, etc). In other words, I can still put honey in my yogurt or with my peanut butter and crackers.
3. When feeling tempted beyond control (which honestly seems to happen a lot) to get something sweet, especially chocolate, I will turn to God. I will ask Him for self-control and patience.
I’m announcing my new goal so that everyone will feel free to hold me to my word. I am totally serious about this. Please, ask me at anytime over the next 16+ weeks if I am actually keeping my “fast”. I need people to call me out and hold me accountable, otherwise I will fail miserably.
So mark your calendars! If Dubya Dos arrives on time, then I have 109 days left of no sweets. Call me up, email me, or ask me in person how it’s coming and if you see me tripping up, feel free to call me out!!
A Wife Loved Like The Church 
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