A Wife Loved Like The Church

Posts Tagged ‘Life

The life of a grad student is challenging. Especially if they have full time jobs and family. They literally work non-stop 6 or 7 days a week. There are early mornings and late nights. Breaks are far and few in between.

The life of a wife married to a grad student is challenging. It’s single parenting 6 or 7 days a week. There are early mornings and late nights. Breaks are far and few in between.

Tack on life commitments, theology studies, marathon training, new jobs, little sleep, and even fewer dates, and you find yourself in a revolving door that never slows down.

This is where Jonathan and I have been for nearly a year. Constant go-go. Never stopping, just pushing through. Holding everything together, tediously keeping it all from collapsing, all from breaking.

Until it breaks.

About three weeks ago, after another long week, Jonathan called to say he’d be home late. Again. During the conversation he said “Babe, you need to let me know when enough is enough. We are in this together. I need to know how you’re doing.” Enough was last June. Enough was last December. Enough was yesterday. We are past enough. Immediately, pride crept into my heart. I thought “If you can’t see that I’ve had enough, I’m not going to tell you.” I went silent on him and our conversation ended quickly after. I found myself left standing in my house clinging to my pride.

My evil, lying pride.

In that moment along side my pride, like a flood washing over me, the Holy Spirit prompted this thought ::

This is how divorces start. 

Divorces don’t just happen. You don’t go from honeymoon happy to bitterly divorced. Divorces start off like a disease; small and unseen. And when left untreated, they grow until what once lived dies.

So in that moment, that moment of realizing that this life I had built, this love I had cultivated, this relationship I cherished could be killed, I hit my knees. I cried out to my Heavenly Father because, I knew that in my own power, in my own selfish desire, I would divorce Jonathan. This life can get too hard, and I don’t like hard. But… {oh what a wonderful word} with Christ’s power my marriage will continue to stay strong, even when it’s hard.

So I prayed. Prayed for my heart, prayed for my attitude, prayed for my marriage. And then I told Jonathan how I felt, what I was struggling with, my loneliness and frustration. I talked, he listened. He talked, I listened.

That weekend, Jonathan and I talked to our closest couple friends. They already knew what was going on, but we still needed them to help us in the thick of it. Help point us to truth. Help us remember our desperate need for Christ. {Where would we be without good friends?}

Then we booked tickets to New York. Just Jonathan and I. No kids, no obligations. Just the two of us.

We leave this Friday. {And a chorus from heaven sang “hallelujah!”}

Things are still hard. Life is still busy. But this truth has sunk down deeper in me than ever before :: Divorce is not an option for our marriage.

For that moment, standing in my bedroom after that phone conversation, I saw the path my life could go down. And I don’t want that. The heartache, the tears, the pain. It’s not worth it. So instead, we are fighting for our marriage. We are not letting this ship sink, we are not backing down, we are not giving up. Together we are clinging to our sure foundation.

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Monday was my birthday.

I had my day planned out. I was going to sleep in and start my day off refreshed. The girls had school, so while Joseph napped, I’d relax and enjoy the silence of my house. Maybe watch a show. Crochet a bit. Eat some cake. Then Joseph and I would meet Jonathan for a birthday lunch date. I’d go shopping before picking up the girls. Then dinner and maybe another date once the kids were in bed. Perfect.

But, the night before Julia got sick. Then that morning Jonathan had to be at work early, foiling my plans to sleep in. Once mid-morning rolled around, Hannah got sick. And my well planned day crumbled down.

Not gonna lie, I was disappointed.

My quiet birthday celebration while the kids napped {unaware that it was actually my birthday}

My quiet birthday celebration while the kids napped {unaware that it was actually my birthday}

At one point, I almost wanted to selfishly remind Julia that today was my birthday. But, God pricked my heart and reminded me of something –

My life is about His plan, not my plan.

That reminder didn’t make me jump for joy at cleaning up throw up or feeling glad that my plans had so drastically changed. But it did make me soften my heart toward my children and see that this mess was the plan for my birthday. It wasn’t my plan {and I wasn’t loving it}, but it was God’s plan.

And when I was brought to tears at just how hard the day was going {how hard the last two ten months have gone}, my sweet sister-in-law spoke these words to me ::

Blessed be the Lord! For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults and with my song I give thanks to Him. Psalm 28:6-7

My situation never changed on Monday. The girls didn’t feel better. In fact, Jonathan and I both got sick too. I’m still struggling with feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. But God is reminding me that He’s heard my pleas, that He is my strength and shield; He is my help. And that’s all I can hold on to.

Life is funny, how it goes round and round like a revolving door. I think what makes it even funnier is how it catches me off guard. I get a little bit shocked at seeing old issues crop up, when that should be expected.

I’ve had this scene from Elf on repeat in my head {the hilarity of that is not lost on me}. It makes me laugh, realizing I feel the same way about life sometimes.

I’m not even sure where to begin, it feels so long since I have last written.

Life is busy.

Jonathan is working and traveling. A lot. Then toss in his MBA program.

I’ve started an amazing theological/seminary class through our church. It is crazy, and awesome, and totally kicking my butt.

Plus, there’s the whole, training for three major races thing.

Oh, and the kids. Let’s not forget the 3 kids under 5.

I don’t say all this to somehow make my life seem harder, busier, or more stressful than yours.

It’s not really. 

In fact, it’s really good. Really crazy and challenging, but good.

I tell you all this, because, life is busy. And because of that I’ve been pretty silent.

Sadly, I don’t see that changing. As much as I love this little blog I’ve created, as much as I love the friendships I’ve made, the lives I’ve touched and the ways I’ve grown through it, something has to give. And for now, blogging is it.

I have realized – I could keep writing, keep cranking out content. But it wouldn’t be from the heart. It wouldn’t be what I really want to say. It wouldn’t be what you really want to read. It would just end up being words on a screen. And I don’t want that.

For a while, I carried some guilt for not writing. Like there was a level of expectation set and I was failing to meet it. But that’s not true. I know that. You know that.

So for now, my sweet, dear, friends, I’m saying good night. I’m going to put Loved Like the Church to sleep for a now. I’m going to focus on this new season our family is heading into. And hopefully, one day not too long from now, I’ll be back, sharing my life with all of you again.


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