A Wife Loved Like The Church

Julia changes it up on me. And then changes it up again. What’s with that?

Last week Julia got into this habit of only taking 30 minute naps. Well, truthfully, she was doing that before last week, but last week was a really rough week. In previous times she’d take a 30 minute nap, then sleep really well the next day or something. But not last week. Last week she was a big girl. Also, I should add that she decided that while she didn’t want to nap, she also didn’t want to sleep more than 3 hours a stretch at night. So we were up a lot. And she was cranky. A lot.

This week, well this week is completely different. As of this past weekend we’ve begun letting Julia “cry it out”, since she’s becoming really depended on us to put her to sleep (ex, we have to rock/bounce/swing her until she’s asleep, and if all the planets are aligned just right, maybe, just maybe she won’t wake up when we put her down). We’re probably softies in this area (at least I know I am), and really don’t let her cry alone for that long, especially if the cry is an upset cry and not a tired cry (which, yeah for me, I’ve finally learned what her different cries are… most of the time!). It’s been challenging, but yesterday was a lot better, and she went to sleep fairly fast for her naps, and when the 30 minute mark came, I could quickly get her to fall back asleep.

Anyways, this past Sunday night, I put Julia to bed around 9:15. What to know what time she woke up? 4:15. 7 hours. Yes, 7 hours, that girl slept. Just to be followed the next night by waking up screaming, and then the next night with 7 1/2 hours. Not to mention that she’s been taking at least 2 2-hour naps during the day.

I can’t figure this girl out! I mean, she’s more confusing then me, which Jonathan could tell you is an amazing feat! One day she’ll be happy all day, no complaints, the next day she’ll be crappy all day… hmmm, sounds like her mama. However, I do think that the reason for the newest sleep habit is because she’s hit a growth spurt (at least that’s what Google says). Seeing as last week she stepped up her feedings and now this week it seems all she does is eat and sleep with very little play time.

So, yeah, just when I get use to the constant feeding, the middle of the night waking, she decides she’s sleepy. And when I get use to that, she’s moved on to the next phase. And they say women are fickle. I say, if we’re fickle, it’s only because we learned it from our babies.

Last week I took Julia to the doctor. She had gotten sick over the weekend and by Monday had a pretty bad cough. The doctor said she had bronchitis, sent us home with some medicines and said it should clear up soon. By Thursday we were back in the office, this time to hear that Julia had pneumonia. Is it just me, or is that a big illness for such a little girl? I have to say, it’s pretty tough seeing your baby being sick. It’s heart breaking, really. We spent the weekend in quarantine, and when I took her back yesterday, things seem to be on the up and up. They gave her her two month shots, which went surprisingly well.

Last night I made sort of a personal vow. A vow to lighten up and stop being so stinkin’ proud. I’m a proud person, a stubborn person, and it can make for a really tough time of things. So, I need to really lighten up. Get off my high horse and realize that this world isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect and I need to focus on the good things. With that being said, here are the “lighter” things about having a sick daughter.

1. The antibiotics Jules has been on cause gas. Let me tell you what, I have never, ever heard such loud noise come from such a small bottom. It sounds like several bombs going off. And then to see her face afterward…. priceless.

2. Did you know poop turns green when you take certain antibiotics? Well, it does. At least in an infant. Several times, to my surprise, Julia’s diapers would come out green. A little shocking to say the least.

3. Is that a soldier I see? No, no, it’s just Julia wear a gas mask. Actually, it was a nebulizer, but it reminded me of the gas masks from WWII. Now, if I can just teach her to army crawl.

4. One thing that makes me laugh more than anything else: When she’s about to have a breakdown, she starts sticking out her bottom lip, makes this really mad/sad face and then lets it all go. I have to admit, it’s pretty funny. It’s almost as though she’s throwing a tantrum, without the kicking… just the screaming.

Happy birthday Lincoln! I just want you to know how much I love you and how exciting it is to see you chasing after the Lord. You are an amazing brother and I am thrilled for you and what God has and is doing in your life.

I cooked dinner two times this week!

And I don’t mean just using the frozen meals we have, but actually cutting up meat and veggies and making something! Oh, and then I made cookies. From scratch!

Oh, oh, oh, and then, and then I brushed my teeth before bed (like I actually brushed my teeth for the first time of the day before 9 pm!).

But that’s not all, I did laundry, vacuumed and took a shower this week! And what’s even better, I remembered to put on deodorant!

Holy smokes, I’m on a roll! What next? Finding a cure for cancer? Saving the penguins from extinction? Joining the Peace Corps?

Man, I put Martha Stewart to shame.

I’m entitled to have good days aren’t I? And when I have one good day, isn’t the next day suppose to be just as good? It should never be worse, right? I have to be honest, this is something that I’m really struggling with and trying to wrap my mind around. When I have one really amazing day with Julia (she isn’t very fussy, we get a lot done at the house, we can visit friends) I think I am entitled to ever day being that way. Like this week.

On Tuesday we had an amazing day. She napped when she was suppose to, we got to meet Jonathan for lunch, she wasn’t very fussy and seemed to just be completely content all day. Wednesday was a whole different story. She cried if I held her, cried if I put her down, she barely napped and finally by the late afternoon I got her to fall asleep while I held her the whole time. Which means the house was a mess, I was a mess, dinner was the last thing from my mind. And I realize, Julia is my job. Not my house, or laundry, or dinner. But still. I should be able to do those things…

Well, on Wednesday night I spent some time with Shirley. I was talking to her about how I feel entitled to these things, and how I get pretty angry when I pray and God doesn’t seem to respond to those prayers (ex: I’m exhausted and just want Julia to sleep. I pray and she only sleeps for 3 hours, or she wakes up 3-4 times). It seems like He would want me to rest, to feel good about the day ahead and not so run down and weak. Then Thursday morning Shirley sent me an email with these verses from 2 Corinthians 12:

“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Since Julia’s birth I have been working on my own strength, my own power and I’m exhausted. So yesterday I prayed “God, I need time with you, but you’re going to need to make my schedule clear.” And while it wasn’t “clear” in the sense that I accepted, He did give me time when Julia was relaxing in her bouncy seat. And again this morning. Yet, I realize that I can’t wait for God to give me loads of time, because it won’t ever happen, but He will give me time and it’s up to me to use it effectively.

I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I’m giving you me dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my heart for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

I’m singing you this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know that lasting joy in sharing in your pain

This song has been on repeat in my head for the last day. For the past two days Julia has been really upset. She’s been gassy and overly needy. We’ve had to hold her while she sleeps, otherwise she wakes up completely freaked out. Yesterday she woke up at 6 am and didn’t go to bed until 9 pm, having only slept for 2 hours (not consecutively, mind you) during the day. She was so sleepy, you could tell by just looking at her. But her tummy hurt so bad she couldn’t rest. Finally she gave way and fell asleep with us in bed. After her normal middle of the night feeding, she fell back asleep, just to wake up in pain at 4:30 this morning. I rocked her, bounced her and walked her for two hours till Jonathan took over so I could sleep. You can hear her poor little tummy rumbling and she is in some pain for sure. I didn’t want to believe it, but Julia is colicky. I’m not sure why it’s been so hard for me to come to terms with it, but it has been. But after yesterday I really can’t deny it.

So in the midst of her crying and not sleeping yesterday, this song came to me. I surrender. I surrender my life and my dreams to Christ. This is too hard to do alone, and I can’t keep holding on to my pride, so I’m surrendering. I’m giving up, I’m letting go. Christ can have it all.

Maybe, just maybe there are times when I want to give up.

I’m making a New Year’s resolution to be honest about the trials I face. So many times I can look the other way and act like everything in my life is a-okay when really I feel like I am drowning.

Frankly, breastfeeding sucks. Both literally and figuratively. I’ve never had more pain or frustration at something that is suppose to be “natural”. Part of me thought that by now Julia and I would have figured this thing out. But we are far from it. It seems like she struggles at almost every feeding. She goes back and forth between understanding what she’s doing to not having a clue. Top that off with the worst pain a woman can feel and really bottle feeding seems pretty appealing.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me going for breastfeeding at this point is knowing that this is the best thing I can do for Julia. And even then I’m not sure that’s why I’m doing it. Maybe really I’m just afraid of being a bad mom. So I breastfeed. Yeah, that’s really what it is. I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that she isn’t gaining weight properly, fear that she isn’t getting enough food, fear that I don’t understand her cries, fear that I am doing absolutely everything wrong. Fear that things will always be this hard and that my life will stay this way. Fear that I will not be able to show my daughter the love that she so badly needs and deserves. Fear that I am not living up to my role as a wife, or as a daughter of the Lord. Fear that I am going through a huge trial and am missing the whole message from God. Fear that I am turning to everyone but God. Fear is literally consuming me. It can be completely immobilizing.

I’m not sure what is going to happen over the next few days, weeks, or months. I’d love to say that I will be on my face before the Lord gaining my strength from Him, but since we’re going for honesty here, I can’t say that will be the case. I want it to be, but I’m sure it won’t always happen.

So here’s to honesty through trials in the new year.

I’m not sure anyone can understand the deepest desire of sleep until they have children. Before Julia I really thought the sleep deprivation wouldn’t be a big deal. I pulled all nighters in college. I spent one semester sleeping less than 4 hours a night on average. I know what it feels like to always want to take a nap, always feel a little slow, and always dependent on caffeine.

Then I had Julia and I realized I didn’t have a clue.

With the lack of sleep in college it was by choice. I chose to stay up. I chose to play and then study. But I always napped. Ah, yes, I napped a lot. There was this really great library on campus that was really small and old and hardly anyone ever went there. Anyways, they had these two oversized leather chairs that looked out over the South Mall by the UT Tower. I would go up there nearly every day, kick back in the chair and read for class. Actually, I just slept. And when I didn’t nap there, I would nap on the lawn of the South Mall while again “reading”.

Naps now seem like a gift. Mostly because while everyone says you should nap when the baby naps it’s virtually impossible, that is if you still want to do anything you did before you had a baby, like, I don’t know, shower for one thing. And another thing about naps, babies don’t always want to fall asleep. I just assumed all babies liked sleeping and would sleep as soon as you said “go”. But that’s not really the case. And getting them to sleep is like a performance. You rock, you sway, you pat, you shush, you lay down and you walk out. Now, I know that there’s the idea to let the baby “cry it out”. Frankly, I’m all for that. But since Jules is only 3 1/2 weeks old, I’m not going that route for now. In the future, yes, but now, no.

And along with naps are waking up. There is a HUGE difference between Julia fully napped up and Julia being awoken before she’s ready. Napped up Julia is happy and cooing. Sleepy Julia is cranky and ticked. I don’t blame her, I’m the same way. And if she’s anything like her father (which it’s scary how much she is) then she’s really cranky and ticked. Then when you have people who want to wake her up, that has to be the biggest irritant. Obviously people don’t realize the song and dance it took to get her to sleep and now they want to wake her up. Not because she needs to get up, but because they want to hold her. Hold her car seat. Take a picture of her and hold that. But, please, oh please, for the sake of sleep, don’t wake the baby!