A Wife Loved Like The Church

Being Pursued in the Midst of Pain

Posted on: April 18, 2011

I nearly burned our house down on Friday.

You might think that is a slight overstatement, but it’s not. I put a pot of stew on the stove, walked outside to play with the girls and that was the end. I had no concept of the time passed. I had no clue what was taking place, literally, feet from me. No alarms. No smell of smoke. Nothing triggered me, but Jack’s barking.

Jack {who was outside as well} started barking and barking. At first I dismissed him, then when he persisted, I went to the back door to find my kitchen/living room filled with smoke. Black, nasty smoke. In the moment, I calmly removed the pot, opened the windows and began to air out the house. Thankfully, nothing was damaged beyond the charred pot, though the smell of fire still lingering this morning.

Saturday morning, I flooded the girls’ bathroom. The toilet got clogged while I was cleaning and water started flowing everywhere.

I panicked. 

My first instint was “Don’t tell Jonathan.” You see, I’d already failed miserably the day before and we were still paying for it {by way of spending all Saturday morning cleaning and washing our smoke filled home}. I didn’t want him to see my failure again. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Guilty. I wanted to run. Hide. Escape.

Finally, I called out for Jonathan. Even though I knew he was frustrated, he still loved me through it. He stayed calm. Fixed the situation.

And that’s when I lost it.

I ran.

I hid.

I sat in our bathroom and wept.

I calculated all the ways I failed. All the things I’d done wrong. Again. All the ways I didn’t deserve love. Didn’t deserve a second change.

Then there was a knock at the door. It was Julia.

“Mama, why are you sad?”

More tears.

Then another knock. It was Hannah.

“Mama, sad?”

More tears.

Then another knock. It was Jonathan.

“Babe, come out, please. You have two adorable daughters and a husband that loves you. Come out.”

Then a final knock. It was God.

“Sarah you are loved. By Me.”

I opened the door. Both to my family and to my God.

When I am in pain, I run. When I have failed, I run. When my trials are too big, too overwhelming, I run. I hide from the pain, from the failure, from the trial. I run and hide because I am afraid that maybe this time – this time – I’ve gone to far. I’ve messed up too much. This time I can’t be forgiven. This time I can’t make it right.

But that isn’t true.

Through Christ’s blood, I will always be forgiven.

Through Christ’s death, I will always be made right.

This weekend, through my failures, my family’s love spoke to me. My husband’s kind direction and warm embrace. My daughters’ gentleness and sweet innocence. Through them, God reminded me that I can run, I can hide, but He will always find me. He will always knock at my door. He will always pursue me. Because, in my failures, He loves me most of all.

Advertisements

12 Responses to "Being Pursued in the Midst of Pain"

I am so sorry for your pain this weekend (you hid it well at Evan’s bday). Thank God for Jack, your husband, and your beautiful girls that continue to show you love! You are an amazing woman and these are not failures, but trials that will strengthen you! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve tried to be everything to feel like nothing due to perceived failure. It sure does make us more resilient Mamas!

amen sista- thanks for sharing 🙂 glad you and your family are safe and sound.

Great words, Sarah. I resonate with the running/shame part big time.

Angela – by Evan’s party I was doing much better, otherwise I might not have made it.

Glad to know I’m not the other one that fails and/or runs. Logically I know that, but emotionally sometimes it’s hard to remember.

amen. And remember your God-given hormonoes are going strong right now 😉

I totally got goose bumps reading this! Thank you for sharing. You are so real and so human. It’s refreshing to see that shine through in an “online personality” where we sometimes put a perfect face on for the world to see. Your children are very blessed to have you for a mommy. And you’re right…God loves you so much! Keep on keeping on! You’ll do just fine my fellow mommy friend.

Blessings,
Rosann
http://www.christiansupermom.com/

Thanks Rosann! I try to be as real as I can. Sometimes real looks kinda perfect and well, sometimes real looks like the hard, dirty places we fall into. But in it all, God is even more real. I just pray that my life and blog continue to be a reflection of Him!

What a fantastic post. I thought about it all day yesterday. Giving thanks for the times Chris, others, and Jesus have pursued me in my failures or dark and lonely places. Though, I often still run from it all and want to hide in shame.

Thanks for sharing!

Wow. One of the most honest blog entrys I’ve read and it totally resonated with me – I can so relate to what you are feeling and thank God also. Thanks for sharing Sarah and God Bless you and your family. You are a very special lady 🙂

[…] I just love this post, plain and simple::: Being Pursued in the Midst of Pain […]

Beautifully raw post, Sarah. Thank you for the reminder!!

What wonderful words to read tonight. Thank you for a needed reminder.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow Me on Twitter

%d bloggers like this: