A Wife Loved Like The Church

Who is God?

Posted on: July 15, 2009

Last night, Jonathan and I had a long talk about who I believe is God. Meaning, who is God to me? His character, the way He shows love, etc.

I confess that I have been holding onto some lies about God. My heart and my mind don’t always line up, making it hard to believe what I know to be true. One of the hardest truths for me is that Jesus has paid for my sins. I struggle with feeling like God is going to pay me back for a sin I committed yesterday, a year ago or even ten years ago. I especially feel this way when things are either too hard or too good in my life.

I challenged myself earlier this week to get to the root cause for my thinking this way. One memory stood out clearly in my mind. My miscarriage and the death of Judah. Perhaps it was because these losses were one after the other and seemed sorely unfair, I saw (maybe even till see) them as a punishment for past sins. There were a few more that came to mind, but are a tad too personal for a blog.

Then I delved a little further. I am scared that God will stop loving me. That I will sin bad enough for Him to finally give up. This correlates with being punished for past sins. I sin, years later am punished, then God is satisfied and can keep loving me. Somehow in all this I struggle to prove myself worthy.

Alright, I know, really, I know that this is not true. I know, in my mind, who God is and that this isn’t God. Jesus paid for my sins, Jesus took my punishment, Jesus satisfied God. But my heart doesn’t always align with that thinking. In our talk last night, Jonathan addressed some key issues and I think it helped me get on the right track to seeking out the truth in these areas. I know who God is, now it’s a matter of believing it to be true.

In the car this morning, I heard “You never let go” by Matt Redman. These lyrics rang out to my heart:

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

*On a completely random, non-God topic. I was eating a sandwich while writing this and just want to say that the one thing that grosses me out the most in this world is when you go to put mustard or ketchup on a sandwich and the first little bit that comes out is all watery and stuff. Gag me. Seriously. I could handle a massive blowout but not that watery mustard/ketchup nastiness.

3 Responses to "Who is God?"

I feel really shallow not addressing all the deep stuff in that blog entry…but I just wanted to say.

I think it’s more gross when you go to put mustard on your sandwich and the chunk of dried stuff comes out onto your bread.

Umm, I have to say that the ketchup mustard thing just doesn’t seem that gross… LOL What’s gross is dried up peanut butter. It just smells double funky and is dried up yet still sticky. Gross. Isn’t it hilarious that we’re commenting on the mustard ketchup dilemma and not the serious issue of coming to grips with lies we’ve believed about our heavenly Father? The thing is, it’s so much easier to go on believing something you’re comfortable with than it is to search out the truth and make a change. What a blessing to have the man in your life truly BE the man in your life and the head of your home. What a blessing to have someone confront you with the truth and then for you to have the humility to receive it and delve into the truth of Who God really is. And just remember Romans 8:35-39: “35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Nope, nothing. Not even our own shortcomings, failures, and sin. Love ya.

Working my way through a bible study by Neil T. Anderson called Freedom in Christ. It’s a simple study, but has been great to remind me who I am in Christ. Lots of Biblical truths about who I am in Christ are hard for me to accept as well. One of the best things about the study is that each lesson takes the focus off of me and asks me how am I going to use this info (i.e. identity in Christ, my worldview, my faith) to witness to others.

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