Last night, Jonathan and I had a long talk about who I believe is God. Meaning, who is God to me? His character, the way He shows love, etc.

I confess that I have been holding onto some lies about God. My heart and my mind don’t always line up, making it hard to believe what I know to be true. One of the hardest truths for me is that Jesus has paid for my sins. I struggle with feeling like God is going to pay me back for a sin I committed yesterday, a year ago or even ten years ago. I especially feel this way when things are either too hard or too good in my life.

I challenged myself earlier this week to get to the root cause for my thinking this way. One memory stood out clearly in my mind. My miscarriage and the death of Judah. Perhaps it was because these losses were one after the other and seemed sorely unfair, I saw (maybe even till see) them as a punishment for past sins. There were a few more that came to mind, but are a tad too personal for a blog.

Then I delved a little further. I am scared that God will stop loving me. That I will sin bad enough for Him to finally give up. This correlates with being punished for past sins. I sin, years later am punished, then God is satisfied and can keep loving me. Somehow in all this I struggle to prove myself worthy.

Alright, I know, really, I know that this is not true. I know, in my mind, who God is and that this isn’t God. Jesus paid for my sins, Jesus took my punishment, Jesus satisfied God. But my heart doesn’t always align with that thinking. In our talk last night, Jonathan addressed some key issues and I think it helped me get on the right track to seeking out the truth in these areas. I know who God is, now it’s a matter of believing it to be true.

In the car this morning, I heard “You never let go” by Matt Redman. These lyrics rang out to my heart:

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

*On a completely random, non-God topic. I was eating a sandwich while writing this and just want to say that the one thing that grosses me out the most in this world is when you go to put mustard or ketchup on a sandwich and the first little bit that comes out is all watery and stuff. Gag me. Seriously. I could handle a massive blowout but not that watery mustard/ketchup nastiness.