A Wife Loved Like The Church

Jonathan and I attended Faithwalkers this past week (December 27-31) in Osage Beach, Missouri. This is an event that happens annually in our church, and was the second one that Jonathan and I attended. Last year’s was moving, and by the end of the week, I could really see where God had grown me in my faith.

This year was not the same. My heart, while yearning for something, felt heavy and sorrowful. Every session found me praying that I would get some amazing nugget of truth to carry me through the year. And every session seemed to disappoint me. Don’t get me wrong, it was a wonderful time, filled with amazing worship and amazing lessons from men who have proven to be faithwalkers. But each time I left feeling dry, and numb.

The last session was taught by Mark Darling and was about God being your refuge. Throughout his whole lesson, Mark was real, raw and brutely truthful. I hated it. I kept thinking “Why on earth would you ever want to tell 1800 people you’re losing your mind?” As he continued to talk, my heart hardened. I didn’t feel like I needed to hear this, since I knew I had God as my refuge. Sure, I might not be crying out to Him, but still, things were under control. Shoot, this is me we’re talking about, things are always under control.

At the end, Mark suggested that we get by ourselves and cry out to God. I went back to my room, grabbed my Harry Potter book and settled in for a nice relaxing evening. But there was something tugging on my heart. I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have God as my refuge. Perhaps I really did rely on myself, or Jonathan, for comfort and not God. So, I thought I should get real with God.

I went down by the lake, and sat there for what seemed a lifetime. I couldn’t speak. My heart was so heavy, but yet I couldn’t even form words to say to God. The only thing I knew to do was write. And once I started, it was hard to stop. I yelled, I screamed, I cursed. Finally, I cried. I cried out and ask God why life felt so hard. Why things happen, that should never happen. I wondered where He had gone, and why He wasn’t there to comfort me. My heart was breaking, and it felt as though My LORD was no where in sight.

I went back to my room, tears still staining my face. Things are different. Not really good, but different. I’m struggling to understand who God is as my refuge. What it means to truly cry out to Him. The past three or four days have been a huge challenge. I’m feeling attacked from every side. I’ve cried more since Friday night, then I have in years. But last night, I did something that I haven’t done in years.

I came home, after learning some heartbreaking news, and went immediately to God. I can’t do this on my own. Jonathan can’t help me. My friends can’t help me. I can’t help myself. I have to be broken before I can be fixed. And God is allowing me to break. But all the while, He is right here, standing as my refuge.

Here are some verses that I have found in the last few days-
Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.”

Psalm 2:12 “Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”

This past month has really been a tough one. Things just seem to get harder and harder as it goes on, fun for me! Part of me wants to just hurry as quickly as I can past all these trials and see life on the other side. But I’m realizing that’s not what God wants.

I spent about an hour pouring my heart out to my sister-in-law, Shelly, and her best advice was, “get before God, more than ever.” And so I have. I’ve been pushing myself hard this last week, reading and praying more than I have in a long time. At first it seemed so refreshing, and then my flesh got irritated. I hit a road block on Sunday. I was upset, sad, angry, and hurt. I wanted to give up. I wanted to say “This sucks. I’m going to bed, don’t wake me till Jesus comes back.” But, deep inside my spirit kept pushing.

So I pushed more. Today I feel rejuvenated. I’m still struggling, but I’m using scripture to fight it.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 10:37-39 “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:24-25 “24Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”

Psalm 121 “I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”

This afternoon I got a call. I looked at my cell phone and it showed “No Name, Unknown.” Now normally I don’t answer these calls, as I despise when teller marketers call, but for some reason I decided to make an exception. And am I glad I did!

I answered the phone “Hello, this is Sarah” (can you tell I’m in work mode?!). There was a brief pause before the caller said “Hello this is Dwight Schrute…” That’s right my friends, Dwight Schrute, the Dwight Schrute of Dunder Miflin called me today! The automated message only lasted about a minute, but it was amazing! I laughed so hard. He yelled at me for not coming into work on time, and that while he was only “Assistant Regional Manager” (we all know he’s Assistant to the Regional Manager) and couldn’t fire me, he’d see to it that Michael terminated me. And quickly. Oh man! That was awesome!

Seriously the best day ever.

By far, my favorite holiday movie is A Christmas Story. And frankly, it’s probably my favorite movie of all times.

I don’t know what it is about this movie that I love so much. Maybe it’s Ralphie’s childlike innocence. Or the anticipation of Christmas day coming. Or the fact that it has a humor that kids and adults alike enjoy. Whatever it is, I love, love, love this movie. And I thought I might share a few of my favorite lines with you, my blog readers:

“I can’t put my arms down!” – Randy after getting on his winter coat.

“Oooh fuuudge!” “Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!” – Ralphie after losing the screws to the car tire.

“I want a red rider 200 shot carbine action range model air rifle with a compass and this thing which tells time built right in the stock.” – Ralphie

Father: “Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.”
Mother: “Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.”

So what is your favorite Christmas movie?

This past Friday we were suppose to move into our new house. We spent Thursday evening taping the trim, washing the walls and doing other preparations. Friday we go to the bank for our signing… but none of the lawyers or seller were there. Interesting. Turns out the seller’s bank didn’t have everything ready, so we couldn’t sign. Bummer.

Since we had planned on working at the house all weekend, our time was now wide open. Saturday was spent at the Bovenmyers serving the neighborhood, followed by an evening of Cranium. Now, seriously, if you want to get a good laugh you should play boys vs. girls in Cranium. And to add to that, you should have Dan act out “cocktail dress” in front of his dad. Or have Tony sculpt a dunce. Because, that my friends, is clearly a recipe for humor.

Sunday I had a picnic with Amanda, Becky, Amy, Emily and Emily’s friend Leah. It was a nice time of good ole fashioned girl bonding. Afterwards Jonathan met up with Amanda, Becky and me for some pictionary. Know what I learned? Amanda is the best teammate ever when it comes to pictionary. Yes, it’s true. I don’t think I have laughed quite so hard in a looong time. Between deformed versions of the US and using the other team’s clues to guess the picture, we totally rocked it.

So what life lessons did we learn, you might ask? That everyone, yes everyone, has something they can teach you. If you just take the time to stop being so consumed with yourself (Philippians 2:3) and start really getting into the lives of others, you’ll find they are brilliant in so many areas. God has created His children uniquely, each one playing their part. So don’t think we hold all the answers. That we know all. That we don’t need others. That we have more to teach than to learn. Because we don’t. And most importantly, never stop being students of life.

I have learned over time that I am easly impressed by the lives of those around me. And by impressed, I don’t mean they influenced me in some great way, but simply left an impression upon my life. I struggle with my feelings toward my “impressionable” state, mostly because I wonder if others are so impressed by me.

It seems as though each person I have ever met, leaves their own special mark in my life. Some are so small that I can’t even see their impact, others are so large that they have molded my life.

At times this scares me. There are times it seems, that these impressions, or the marks they have left, begin to hurt. And when I search myself to try to understand why I have this pain, I realize that it is in part due to the fact that the one who has left such a deep impression is no longer in my life. Through a variety of reasons, I am left alone, with only a mark. And truthfully, the impression I have is not what causes the pain, but the unknown of having made an impression on the one who impressed.

But where’s the fun in that? This week has been surprising busy. I’m the in throws of conducting interviews for a new position here. I’ve spent everyday running around trying to make sure that I’ve sent all the applicants their information, given the search committee the most updated resumes and most importantly making sure that my boss is happy. The latter, luckily, is the easiest.

To top off my uber busy week, I’ve been waking up at 5 am for prayer at 6. I’ve been meeting with Brittney and Amanda to participate in the “120” (120 hours of prayer) on campus. Did you know it’s still dark at 6 am? Yeah, well it is.

But you know what, I’m really loving it all. There’s something to be said for starting your morning off with an hour of prayer. It truly does a wonder for your soul. Granted, yesterday I was a little cranky. All the same, I’ve really seen God’s grace during this time. And I’ve also had a renewed desire to pray more. The first day I thought “Man, this is gonna be rough”, but now I’m thinking “Why haven’t I been doing this all along?” It’s really helped that I know Amanda and Brittney are depending on me to be there – gives me the push I need when I hear that alarm.

Plus, most importantly, I know I’m pleasing God. And frankly, that’s been my goal all week. I want Him to receive the glory in all this. I want His name to be heard and for the students, staff and faculty to see Him move. That’s what I’ve been praying for. And I know it’ll happen. Because God will give us the desire of our hearts. And this is my desire.

Today on MySpace I found my old roommate from when I lived in San Antonio. I had tracked her down on Facebook last summer and thought I might look for her today on MySpace. I did. And then I requested her as a friend.

After I requested her as a friend I found myself “editing” my page. I changed a few things to seem cooler, funnier and more exciting, and thus becoming less “me” and more “hip and trendy”. And then it dawned on me, why am I so afraid of what she thinks?

When this girl was my roommate I tried hard to live a life that would impress her. I spent more money then I earned, drank excessively, partied even more and lived a life outside of myself. When I found it hard to stay the course with my “new life” I broke down. All the lies I told were unraveling. My family wasn’t rich like hers, my childhood wasn’t great, and I wasn’t popular like her normal friends. I was just me. And it ruined our friendship. While for a long time I placed the blame on her, about 2 years ago I realized it was my fault. Had I been true from the beginning she would have know me not the version of “Sarah” I wished her to see.

It makes me a little sad that part of me was/is so quick to change, but at least I realized it sooner. Who knows if she’ll accept my request, but one thing is for sure; I have no reason to be ashamed of who I am.