This past Friday, we received a blow. After praying and praying for a yes, God gave us a no.

I’m not even gonna front – it was hard. Gut wrenching, faith questioning hard.

Over the last seven months, I’ve had numerous people tell me how strong we are. How courageous our faith is. How brave we have been. Wanna know what? It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I’m on a boat in the middle of a storm. It feels like my feet are on sinking ground. It feels like I’ve been tossed around, beaten down, nearly broken. So, it’s tough to hear people say those words “strong, courageous, brave” because if they only knew. If they only knew how tired I am. How weak I feel. How done I’ve become.

Those are all the things I feel. The tough, dark, hard things. But they are just feelings.

The truth is this ::

God is still God.

God is still good.

God is still faithful.

God is still merciful.

God is still provider.

God is still my Father.

My heart doesn’t always believe those things. My heart tells me all is lost, hope is gone. Yet, Truth prevails. And Truth tells me that I am loved, cherished, cared for, and blessed.

It’s not always easy to trust Truth when you’re feeling weak. In fact, sometimes it feels like a broken record “God is good, God is better, God is bigger”. A broken record that you tune out for a while, only to listen for a moment, before you tune it out again. But it’s always there, that Truth. Always there telling me “Wait. Trust.”

So friends, as I wait, as I trust, know that it’s not me who is strong. It’s not me who is courageous. It’s not me who is brave. No, Sarah is none of those things. But, the One who dwells within me is. He is all those things and more. He is the giver of life. He is the One worthy of praise. He is ruler and king.

When the end of my life comes, when I meet my Savior face to face, never will I say “Well that was pretty crappy of you Jesus.” No, instead I will rejoice. I will rejoice that He sought me, that He used me, that He shaped me and molded me. And I will remember the Truth ::

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:8