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Since August, Jonathan and I have not-not tried to get pregnant. Essentially, we aren’t trying to get pregnant, but for the first time since Hannah was born, we aren’t preventing it either. And quite honestly, I am all confused by the not-not trying.

Before I go any further, let me say this: My daughters are more than enough for me. It’s hard to explain or understand, but if I never have another child, my mama heart will be full to the brim just because of Julia and Hannah. Yet, at the same time there is a longing for a larger family. And that’s where the confusion sets in. In all this not-not business, I am constantly having to evaluate my heart and motives. Having to question why I want more children, why I think I’m “ready”, and staying content with my life as is. Then comes the planner in me: If I know my cycle, why would we not try? And how much effort do I put into tracking my cycle if we aren’t necessarily trying?

God has been revealing a lot to me in the last few weeks. I haven’t grasped all of it, but am starting to understand certain points. Starting to understand that life isn’t mapped out, delivered to you in a perfect package. That what I think should happen, is certainly not what needs to happen. Understanding that I rely far too much on my own control than God’s. It’s a constant lesson, not just with our not-not trying, but in all my life. It’s a constant reliance on God to lead me through my days. And I trust that in it all, He will grow me, shape me and draw me closer to Him.