I kept my dark thoughts from everyone, even Jonathan. I was afraid of them. I was afraid of myself. As much as I wanted to be alone during this time, I was terrified that if I wasn’t around people I might actually act upon my thoughts. I made sure that I was always with someone, even if it just meant going to the store to be near strangers.

By the middle of February, another woman at church announced her pregnancy. I felt numb. I kept calling out to God, but was loosing all feeling. The only thought that kept me going was knowing that I had lived my life without God before, and while things seemed awful, I couldn’t imagine them if God wasn’t at the center. I read and prayed and battled. It seemed almost as though a war was being waged within my soul. God verse Satan. I continually fought against thoughts of suicide, while in the midst of everything, trying to figure out if I really believed God was good in all things.

March 17, 2007. I went to Lake McBride Park for alone time. I was gone two or three hours. Probably the longest I’d be away from anyone in nearly two months. I walked along the trails, praying and trying desperately to connect with God. I left, no more assured about having a family, but with a new peace. For the first time in three months I knew I could say that God was good, in all things, babies or no babies. 

I went home and wept. I told Jonathan everything. My thoughts of suicide, my struggle to stay after God, my new growing hope that He really is good. Jonathan held me for a long time and we just prayed. Prayed for peace and comfort, but mostly just prayed that God’s truth would reign.