A Wife Loved Like The Church

My pregnancy with Julia went as smoothly as I could have hoped. Only at the beginning was there any concern, when I had some cramping, that ended up being the symptoms of a urinary infection. Through out my entire pregnancy, I clung to the truth God had taught me.

God is good. No matter the answer, no matter the circumstance. God is good. 

November 23, 2007.

Julia Mabel entered this world. My path as a mother began. There have been some valleys, there have been some mountain tops. And in it all, God is good. 

The day I came home from work sick (due to the uti), I was concerned that I would loose this baby too. I sprawled out on our bed, read and prayed. During that time, God comforted me, assured me that His answer really was “YES” and then gave me this verse that I prayed over my entire pregnancy, and continue to pray over Julia:

“O Lord, you alone are my hope. I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood. Yes, you have been with me from birth; from my mother’s womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you!” Psalm 71:5-6

Julia literally is an answer to my prayers. She is the delight of my life and a gift from my God.

March 19, 2007. 

I was 4 days late. Which, in my post-birth control, post-miscarriage life meant absolutely nothing. But that night, around 9pm, I crawled into bed, complaining that I felt sick. Jonathan brushed it off, saying I’d eaten too much for dinner. Then when we realized we had had dinner 3 hours prior, he started inquiring about my cycle, if I’d started, when I was suppose to start. When I said that, technically, I was late, he suggested I take a test. I refused. I had just started to fully believe God was good, now was not the time to test that new found faith. But Jonathan insisted. He said I should take the test, but only he would look at it. 

I got up, took the test and walked away. A few minutes later, Jonathan went into the bathroom. When he came back I immediately asked about the results. He wouldn’t say. All he said was “Sarah, is God good? Where are you putting your trust?”. He had me promise that I would take another test and that I would wait.

So I waited.

All week.

Every day, multiple times a day, I asked Jonathan the results. Each time he said “Sarah, is God good? Where are you putting your trust? Does yes make God any better than no?”

It was a constant check on my heart. Was He good? Each time I had to answer, yes, God is good, because He had promised He would be, even if that promise looked differently than I expected.

By that weekend I was noticing changes. Changes I never had, even with my cycle. Jonathan, four of my girlfriends, and I went to Des Moines for a night in celebration of my 25th birthday. I kept asking Jonathan, the entire trip, if I was pregnant. At one point he went so far as to say he’d forgotten the results. 

March 25. 

I was turning 25. My golden birthday. We rode to church that morning with our friend, Brittney. The whole drive, Jonathan sat in the back, humming a tune, in a world of his own. I remember Brittney and I making fun of him. It was a beautiful spring morning, and most people were standing out side, enjoying the warm weather. At some point, Jonathan came up and asked me to come with him into the building. I followed him into a room off the sanctuary, where 5 of my closest friends sat in a neat little row. Jonathan explained that they were going to sing me “Happy Birthday”, but a new version Jonathan had made up, special for my 25th.

Honestly, I don’t remember many of the words. Golden birthday, special, something, something. All that sticks out is the last sentence: “And you’re having a baby”. I’m sure the look on my face was utter shock. I looked at Jonathan for reassurance, he nodded yes. I hugged him and immediately wept. Not tears of sadness, but for the first time, in a very long time, tears of complete joy.

God had finally said yes.

I kept my dark thoughts from everyone, even Jonathan. I was afraid of them. I was afraid of myself. As much as I wanted to be alone during this time, I was terrified that if I wasn’t around people I might actually act upon my thoughts. I made sure that I was always with someone, even if it just meant going to the store to be near strangers.

By the middle of February, another woman at church announced her pregnancy. I felt numb. I kept calling out to God, but was loosing all feeling. The only thought that kept me going was knowing that I had lived my life without God before, and while things seemed awful, I couldn’t imagine them if God wasn’t at the center. I read and prayed and battled. It seemed almost as though a war was being waged within my soul. God verse Satan. I continually fought against thoughts of suicide, while in the midst of everything, trying to figure out if I really believed God was good in all things.

March 17, 2007. I went to Lake McBride Park for alone time. I was gone two or three hours. Probably the longest I’d be away from anyone in nearly two months. I walked along the trails, praying and trying desperately to connect with God. I left, no more assured about having a family, but with a new peace. For the first time in three months I knew I could say that God was good, in all things, babies or no babies. 

I went home and wept. I told Jonathan everything. My thoughts of suicide, my struggle to stay after God, my new growing hope that He really is good. Jonathan held me for a long time and we just prayed. Prayed for peace and comfort, but mostly just prayed that God’s truth would reign.