A Wife Loved Like The Church

A few weeks ago we established that I’m a bull and that God is more concerned about my heart and will being wholly His then anything else. Once I came to terms with not having an ultrasound I was pretty much on board. I just moved on. No need to dwell, just realize everything will be fine.

We went for my 20 week check up on Thursday. The hospital rotates all ob patients through the midwives, so that you have at least met and feel comfortable with each one. This appointment I met with one of the midwives that did not schedule my original ultrasound. She was pretty shocked that BCBS refused to cover it and told me to call to see if there was any confusion on their part about the diagnosis code. So that afternoon I called once again to BCBS, not at all hopeful and not at all expecting anything but “no”.

Turns out, Julia’s ultrasound was coded differently then Dubya Dos’, and Dubya Dos’ ultrasound was/is covered. At the suggestion of the midwife, I called back up to the hospital to schedule for the first ultrasound I could (not out of worry on her part, she just suggested the sooner the better). They scheduled me for yesterday late afternoon.

You know, normally I am one to get really excited and anxious about things, especially something as important as seeing my babies. But for whatever God reason, the situation didn’t seem to even phase me and it wasn’t until we were on the drive there that I actually started to get really excited. My soul was at peace and I realized that just because I was “getting my way” it didn’t mean anything more than that God is good and desires to bless.

When the tech led us back to the ultrasound room, Jonathan asked if she’d be performing the sonogram. She said that she was just a student and would only be sitting in watching the sono tech. We, well actually Jonathan, told the tech we weren’t finding out the sex, so to not even tempt us by asking. She was sweet and said that she wouldn’t give anything away. And thus began our ultrasound. The tech checked everything out, let us see Dubya Dos’ hands, feet, beating heart, spine, face, etc. She informed us that everything looked great and that Dubya Dos is 1 pound (same as Julia, so I’m wondering if s/he will be her size when born). After about 15 minutes she asked if I would mind if the student could take over for a while. The student spent another 15 minutes letting us see Dubya Dos, who at this point must have know s/he was on display because s/he was going to town with moving around, kicking and squirming. At one point the tech said “Sarah, I’m sorry this is taking so long, I hope you don’t mind.” I laughed. “Mind watching my baby? I’d stay here for hours if you’d let me!”. 

In the end, it turned out that we got to stay way longer than I imagined we would, spending well over 30 minutes watching Dubya Dos. We left with some really amazing pictures, that in all honesty, were even better than Julia’s. Dubya Dos is learning already to be a ham for the camera. 🙂 It was pretty awesome, but not nearly as awesome as God allowing my desire to be fulfilled. He makes me laugh, because He knows me inside and out. He knows just how far to push, just how to grab my attention so that it is constantly on Him and not this world. He is truly good.

Once my mother told me that it would take a team of wild horses to change my mind when I was convinced of something. Later in life, Jonathan told me that I’m like a battering ram that just keeps hitting the wall until it falls. I’d have to say, both these statements are pretty accurate. I’m stubborn. I’m bull headed. And the only thing that really keeps me from plowing my way through life (leaving behind helpless victims) is the grace of God.

As of Wednesday/Thursday we decided that we’re not finding out whether we’re having a boy or a girl.

Can I just say that this is no small issue for me? In my mind, I figured that I could (and would) plow my way through this issue just like I have done many times in the past. My way or the highway. Geez, don’t you feel bad for my husband? Out of all the women in the world, he winds up with a stubborn mule. Anyways, at women’s prayer on Wednesday I was convicted that I needed to really surrender over my will on the “gender issue” to Jonathan. As an act of obedience to the Lord, I told Jonathan that ultimately my heart’s desire was/is to follow him more than to find out the sex of our baby. *Honesty time: What I really meant was “I want to follow after you but still get my way. I’m saying these things because I mean them, but we’re still going to find out. Right?”*

God makes me laugh. Because He created me, He knows me inside and out. Ok, Sarah’s will is bending, but her heart still isn’t one hundred percent. How can I, the creator of Heaven and Earth, ensure that not only do I have my daughter’s will, but her heart? Oh, right, I’ll just not let her have an ultrasound.

Say what?!

As I am slowing my battering ram down (so that the wall doesn’t fall at such a rate that my husband would really notice until after it came down) God reinforces the wall. It turns out that our insurance won’t cover our ultrasound. Which means, that if we want to have one, we have to pay out of pocket (which will be over $500). Now, there are some side stories – if my midwife thinks that we still need one we can have one (that is covered) but rather than calling it “routine” it will need to be “medical”. However, one of the nurses I spoke to yesterday said that the likelihood of us having one is small, since we’ve delivered one healthy child, had an ultrasound with this baby, and so far the pregnancy has been smooth.

And of course through all of this I am a calm and collected Christian. Hahaha! I make myself laugh. I’m a bull, remember. I get this news and call every single resource I know of in order to help me take down this wall. I mean, come on, now it’s not about the “gender issue” it’s about the safety of my child. After all, you can’t possibly deliver a healthy child without an ultrasound. The midwife might miss something. I might miss something. The ultrasound is the only way to determine the outcome of my baby.

Or not.

I spent most of Thursday in a bad mood. I won’t lie. I was a slight pain in the butt. Perhaps I went from battering ram to one of those oxen they use in running of the bulls – horns out to get anyone. All the same, it took a good 24 hours before I realized that the wall wasn’t moving. And that God was still good.

I called my sweet sister-in-law to tell her this most disastrous news. Her response: “Sarah, praise God! Your heart’s desire was to follow your husband, and now He made it possible to do so without any temptation or unnecessary debt.” Riiight… Not exactly what I was going for, but hey if what she said was what God needed for me to hear in order to get through my bull head, it worked. I started to realize that God is giving me a way out. All the time I knew that I wanted and needed to follow after Jonathan, but in the back of my mind had plans to still find out the gender. I was going to knowingly sin. I was going to knowingly disrespect Jonathan. Wow! Am I a lovely person or what?! Rather than go through all of that, God simply said “No.” And I am pretty okay with that. He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for my life, my child’s life, my family. Who better to put my trust in then the Almighty?

“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7